I Am Mother Too

Image of Mother with her newborn Source: Google

Nobody really does justice to the pain and struggles of becoming a Mother. Yes, I said “pain and struggles”, because for me, it is.

Nobody prepares you for it either. Not the endless gory tales, not the prenatal visits. Absolutely nothing! You’re just thrown into the Lions’ den and expect to survive.

Before the birth of my baby, I heard many tales from women who had gone through it talk about how you forget the pain once you meet your baby, how you’ll want to have another almost immediately. Hmmm…*laughs in period pain times one billion.

If this is true, then how do you explain the trauma that comes after? The depression, the flashbacks to the hours of pain…please someone explain it to me.

I love my little X, but I don’t think I’ll ever get over the pain I went through to expel a baby from my vagina, and how I almost thought I’d never enjoy sex again. Yes, this is very important for me. It seems my love of sex outweighs any trauma.

But let’s be honest. Mothers are a blessing, except the ones that are not, and for me it’ll probably take a long time before I find out which category I belong. I can wait, no rush.

For me, the thought of being a mother doesn’t overwhelm me the way I see in other women- Maybe because I didn’t have a rosy experience with mine. (Story for another day), but I’ve learnt that we either move past our troubled past and create a better future or we dwell in them and make no moves to become better. For me, I’m a dweller, who’ve learnt to disguise as much pain and hurt as I can, because in so doing, I don’t trouble the people I meet on the way through life.

The journey to being a mother sucks. Motherhood is draining, and I don’t like it. I understand that many women have prayed and are still praying for this achievement, but I am not one of them. Does that make me a bad person, or a bad mother? NO.

If you think otherwise, then maybe you’re right, but then I don’t care what you think. Just read and stfu.

If there was one thing that made it all worth it, it was my sister and my husband who held my hand through it all- for hours while I squeezed it until it turned red. I think he went through the pain with me. He was there every second. Sometimes I think back and know for a fact that if he hadn’t been there, I would have died. Literally.

It’s two weeks to the end of my maternity leave, and I’m scared out of my mind. Will I be able to cope with work? Would I be able to transition back to work without dropping the ball? Will I have to take my baby to work?

There was a time when all I had to worry about was waking up early to beat Lagos traffic.

Would I have achieved more in the one year leading up to being a Mother if there wasn’t a baby on the way? I guess now we’ll never kno️w. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Again, I love little X, his tiny little fingers; his smile gives me goosebumps. Every night when I wake up to feed him, it’s like “Oh, this little human depends on me to provide for it”, and I somewhat feel happy. I even smile at the thought.

I’m happy to do it though. I mean, it’s not like I can leave him to starve. I’m not without a heart. Plus, I’m sure his father will kill me if I did.

I’m relieved at how my body didn’t betray me afterwards. I would say I bounced back better, and I’m heavenly grateful there isn’t any physical body inconveniences to remind me of the journey.

Dear Mothers, I am not like you. I may never be as compassionate and quick to love like you do. I may not be able to brag about motherhood the way you do. I may never enjoy the experience, but I am a Mother still, and maybe someday I will learn to appreciate the experience. Maybe. Someday.

I appreciate everyone who made it easier for me, who supported me through it all. My husband, my sister, my colleagues, my colleagues-turned-friends, my colleagues-turned-family, my family, my friends, my parents-in-law, my brothers-in-law, my sister-in-law, and everyone who ever told me ‘pele’.

I cannot mention all the names here, else there’ll be no time to publish this. You know yourselves. I love you, and I’m forever grateful.

Happy Mothers Day to you. 💜

Love, Julez.

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Copywriter | Editor | Freelance

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Julianne X

Julianne X

Copywriter | Editor | Freelance

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